Preface: In February of this year, a close friend of the family knew she was not long for this world, having suffered through the pain of ovarian cancer. She asked her sister Karen to post the words that poured from her heart, a testament of sorts that could be passed on once she had been laid to rest…here, in part, are her thoughts….
“FALLING DOWN: CHATTER
The incessant chatter in my head
Reinforces the fear that I am not good enough
Any victory is short-lived
Knowing that failure hangs over me
Anxious that the next mistake
Will crack the fragile picture of my self-image
I cannot allow myself relief as I will be unprepared
Bound in misery like a straight-jacket that cannot be escaped
There it is again. That chatter in my head telling me I’m not good enough followed by the tightness in my belly reminding me to not let go of the fear of failure. If I let go then I am open to failure with no protection. Better to be prepared for disappointment than to be left open to a punch in the gut.
The pain of shame and lack that washes over me drowns out any joy. I don’t let myself feel joy anymore. When I’m at a concert singing, jumping up and down…that chatter in my head says ‘STOP!!! What are you doing letting down your guard?’ Then there it is again. The tightness in my belly and chest. Follows me everywhere. I feel hopeless. I can’t go on living this way.
FALLING DOWN: SURFACE
I live on the surface of my life
Never time for deep connections
Always too busy for more than a brief encounter
Work, errands, tasks fill my days
No time to sit and talk
Let alone introspection
Afraid of connecting to people
Afraid of looking at myself
They and I will not like what we see
I know this is not how to live
But I cower in fear of finding a self that I cannot respect
A person who is not as magnificent as I dream to be
FALLING DOWN: FROZEN
Being frozen in a hard glass shell
Protects me from finding the truth
From seeing my faults and limitations
I keep rolling along like a glass marble
Moving so that I cannot feel
The only thing I feel is fear
I know to be free the glass must shatter
But I cannot face the pain
Of me not matching my expectations
Only when I am slammed into a wall
There is no choice as the glass cracks
I am forced to look within
What I find is compassion for myself
Learning to show me the same kindness I give to others
Why did I wait so long?
That tightness in my gut turned into bloating…and a diagnosis of ovarian cancer. Funny thing is that I wasn’t completely surprised about the diagnosis. I had always read that life nudges you along the way and if you don’t listen it knocks you in the head
Major surgery and two rounds of chemotherapy…forced me to stop and spend time with myself. The thing that I feared the most. Once I got passed the terror of facing my mortality I moved on with healing myself spiritually.
I’m not a religious person, so having faith in something greater than myself was foreign to me. I started watching videos…listening to podcasts by people that spoke of spirituality…such as Louise Hay, Dr. Wayne Dyer, Abraham Hicks. I had to listen and read a lot before I was ready…to start doing what they told me, looking inside.”
How are you feeling as you read Kathy’s words? Do they resonate with you? Are you living with constant stress and in constant fear? Are you mostly consumed with ‘doing’ and not so much ‘being’?
We can say we are at the mercy of our genes, our families, our specific culture, our emotions and our debilitating mindsets. We’ve been taught that it’s not safe to share the reality of our challenges or to be vulnerable – not even with ourselves! We are afraid to be judged, to be scorned, to be rejected, and we may not be able to bear the thought of reflection because we are most crushed by the disappointment we feel with ourselves.
I am not good enough.
The effects of such perpetual self-criticism can manifest in many ways. It can show up as anger, blame, rebellion, procrastination, perfectionism and feelings of helplessness, etc. and can lead to self-destructive behaviour. It can also lead to CHRONIC PAIN.
Our hidden beliefs create thoughts of being a failure, which lead to the emotion of “unworthiness.” These limiting beliefs are not formed by our experiences per se, but by the deductions and inferences we make about them – true or not!!
Think about that. It doesn’t matter what the truth is, just what you keep repeating to yourself in your head.
Control Your Thoughts. This is the foundation for, well, everything. Pay attention to what you “mindlessly” tell yourself on a regular basis. Breathe. Meditate. Exercise. Feed your mind, body and soul with things that are nourishing. (In other words, practice self-care.) Stay aware and in the present, observe without judging.
Simple. Not easy.
The quality of your life is at stake; it is worthy, you are worthy, of the time and effort.
If you need support, maybe a little assistance, please join our Facebook community:
https://www.facebook.com/dawncady.mindsetcoach/
If you need more, if you are suffering from chronic pain (physical, mental, emotional), please click on the following link:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/freedomfrompaincommunity/
